April 2002


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Victor Rossi <[log in to unmask]>
Reply To:
Departmental Technology Coordinators <[log in to unmask]>
Wed, 17 Apr 2002 11:55:51 -0400
text/plain (118 lines)
> Tips for being a better user or how to help your computer support
> personnel:
> When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried
> under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried
> flowers, bowling trophies, and children's art. We don't have a life, and
> we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
> Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages
> from here.
> When we say "I'm coming right over", go for coffee. That way you won't
> be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300
> screen saver passwords.
> When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you
> from getting it.  We don't need to know that you can't get into your
> mail because your computer won't power on at all.
> When we send out an e-mail marked important, delete it at once. We're
> just testing.
> When I am eating lunch at my desk, walk right in and spill your guts
> right out. IS exists only to serve.
> Send urgent e-mail in UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags
> it as a rush delivery.
> When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer Support. There's
> electronics in it.
> When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer
> support. We can fix your telephone line from work.
> When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an IS person's
> chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the
> problem. We love a puzzle.
> When an IS person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges
> in them, argue. We love a good argument.
> When an IS person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a
> scathing tone of voice, "And just how many weeks do you mean by
> shortly?"
> That motivates us.
> When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print
> jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
> When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all
> 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
> Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what
> you mean by "my thingy blew up".
> Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
> If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog,
> lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were
> designed to have 20 kilograms of computer sitting on top of them.
> If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail
> upgrade.
> Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and
> nail clippings in them.
> When you get a message saying "Are you sure?", click on that Yes button
> as fast as you can. Heck, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing
> it, would you?
> When you find an IS person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on
> the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up.  We don't
> have any money to speak of anyway.
> Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that
> computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional
> expertise referred to as crap.
> When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call IS
> support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and
> Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional
> engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.
> When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call IS Support. We
> love to hack.
> When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to
> call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a
> third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.
> When you receive a 30 MB movie file, send it to everyone as a mail
> attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.
> Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks.
> Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.
> When an IS person gets on the elevator pushing $600,000 worth of
> computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you
> take the elevator to go DOWN one floor???"  That's another one that
> cracks us up to no end.
> When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People
> out in Pofadder like to keep abreast of what's going on.
> When you bump into an IS person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask
> a computer question.  We do weekends.
> Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own.
> Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.
> When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave
> the documentation at home.  We'll find all the settings and drivers,
> somewhere...