NOTE: The late Ronald Reagon, George Bush Sr. and George Bush Jr. have all helped to support this kind of pseudoscience. In fact, chairs have been endowed in their name at Fundamental Christian colleges. These million dollar endowed chairs have a unique design with their fliptop snakeskin upholstered holey seats covering a cavernous storage space for the Creationist scholar's scatological research.
Creation Scientists Initiate New Africa Research Effort
Creation Scientists To Search for Talking Snake Bones in Africa
At what point in history did snakes lose their vocal cords and legs?
Creation Scientists turn to the Bible and the continent of Africa for
Freehold, Iowa - Most True Christians^(TM) acknowledge that the key
to solving the greatest mystery of Creation Science may lay buried deep
within the heart of African jungle. Creation Scientists agree that
snakes lost their vocal cords along with their legs between 8,000 and
7,800 BC. Today, modern Christians, like those at the newly founded,
Creation Studies Institute, are spending almost a million dollars,
and investing countless hours to gather the evidence needed to prove,
without a doubt, to the secular scientific community, that the planet
Earth was once populated with walking, talking snakes.
"Christians have The Talking Snake Theory, and Atheists have
Evolution," says Creation Scientist, Dr. Jonathan Edwards. "Only one
can be correct. Sadly, until us Creation Scientists can prove that
snakes once had vocalcords, I expect that them silly old hell-bound
evil-lutionists won't take us seriously."
Dr. Edwards is leading the first of many Creation Science expeditions
to Africa. "We pick Africa because we know that Eve was in a giant
garden the last time she saw a talking snake with legs," says Dr.
Edwards. "The Genesis account of Creation describes something very
similar to the pictures of Africa that I've seen in the National
Geographic Magazines I have stuffed between my mattresses, so I'm
fairly certain that Africa is where these fantastic creatures once
resided. In addition, Eve's testimony and conversation with the last
known talking snake is transcribed word for word in the book of
Genesis. I'm sure it breaks the Lord's heart that unsaved secular
scientists have stooped so low as to question her eyewitness account."
One Mystery at a Time:
"Where Did Negroes Come From?" Can Wait
Last Tuesday, to show how focused the Creation expedition team to
Africa is on solving one mystery at a time, the Creation Science
Research Center declined funding from a wealthy but misguided
Independent Baptist, who wanted to hitch a ride with the crew to
conduct unnecessary research on the origin of Negroes. "We're not
concerned here with the mystery of how Negroes came to populate a
continent that was originally dominated by proper white folks," says
Dr. Jonathan Edwards. "That's no mystery at all, actually. The Bible
makes it perfectly clear in Genesis 9:18-29 that there were no
coloreds around until after the time of Noah God turned Noah's son,
Ham, into the first Negro as a punishment for staring at his drunk
daddy's tallywhacker. Creation Science evidence also shows that God
gave Ham and all of his male Negro descendants enormous tallywhackers
of their own, to prevent them being curious about white folks. In any
case, the first Negro most likely set foot in Ethiopia several months
after the flood. Understand, Ham had to walk all the way to Africa
from Mount Ararat, in Turkey and that is a great distance." Dr.
Edwards also added, "African American Christians still celebrate the
journey of Noah's son by symbolically reuniting through bodily
consumption, Ham and Turkey, each year at their Thanksgiving tables."
"With Dr. Edwards spearheading the search for the talking snake,
Landover Baptist Church members can be assured that their tithe will
be going to this great effort alone," Pastor Deacon Fred recently
told reporters at a press conference in Des Moines. "Unicorns, flying
demons, 900-year-old people, talking donkeys, and Ezekiel's turbo
charged chariot will all have to wait," he said. "We're going to
prove one Bible story at a time here, and in order of historical
occurrence. I think unsaved folks will be awfully surprised to find
out that the more carefully we examine the data the more convinced you
will be that God just snapped his fingers and poofed everything into