Real Birders 

Real men don't eat quiche, real women don't pump gas 

Real birders... 
never list Rock Doves 
spend Christmas Day at a garbage dump looking for a Thayer's Gull 
know the difference between supercilliary and axillary 
always carry a camera to document rarities 
always start birding at least one-half hour before down 
listen to bird song recordings on their car's tape deck while driving 
never carry a field guide in the field 
never bird from their cars, except while actually driving 
have a dent in their fenders from when they ran off the road while
looking at a hawk on a utility pole 
never get sick on a pelagic trip 
never complain when their life lists are knocked from 600 to 597 by
lumping 
have a life list of a least 600 species 

You Know You're a Birder If... 

1.  You travel to a foreign country and the only words you learned to
speak are names of birds. 
2.  Your idea of a great vacation is to travel to Brownsville to spend a
day at the dump. 
3.  You have ten big bird photos on your wall at work and one small
photo of your spouse. 
4.  Your vacation of a lifetime is spent at a place called Attu. 
5.  You spend your time on a Caribbean cruise looking for pelagic birds.

6.  You spend your anniversary checking the ice flows in Churchill for
gulls. 
7.  When shopping for new clothes you check the pockets are big enough
to hold a field guide. 
8.  After finding a second Boreal Owl you refer to it as a trash bird. 
9.  The Rare Bird Hot Line is number one on your speed dial. 
10.  All the magazine subscriptions you receive have the word 'bird' on
them. 
11.  Only a fellow birder can decipher the license plate on your car. 
12.  You know the difference between a pelagic and a passerine. 
13.  Your New Years resolution is to start a new millennium list. 
14.  When you talk about the World Series you're not talking sports. 
15.  You own more optics than a college observatory. 
16.  You know how to pronounce Pyrrhuloxia and Phainopepla. 
17.  Your idea of an exotic dancer is a Japanese Crane. 
18.  When someone says there is more to life than birding, you question
their sanity. 
19.  You only win Final Jeopardy when the category is birds. 
20.  These jokes make you smile. 

You might be a birder if... 

-You know the early arrival date of every spring migrant in your area
but can't remember your anniversary. 
-You've added semipalmated and pileated to your spell checker. 
-You get pulled over for drunk driving at 9 am because you were watching
a flock of kinglets. 
-You don't blush when you say Bushtit. 
-Your friends have tennis elbow, you have warbler neck. 
-You care that there are more than one race of Canada Goose. 
-Your binoculars cost more than your car. 
-When you talk about the Big Day you don't mean your wedding. 
-You visit your mother-in-law twice a year because she lives in
Southeastern Arizona. 
-After a diversity training course at work you file a complaint because
a painting in the hall lacks Blue Phase Snow Geese. 
-Dream vacation sites include garbage dumps and sewage ponds. 
-You go to a nude beach with a spotting scope and spend the entire time
trying to identify alcids. 
-You don't care about economic or tax issues, you want to know if a
political candidate is a splitter or a lumper. 
-You threaten a boycott of Utah because their State Bird isn't a real
species. 
-Your child's first word is pish. 
-You refer to lingerie as breeding plumage. 
-You own every Bird Field Guide published, but the only one you ever use
is your first edition Golden Guide. 
-You can accept that Wile E Coyote defys the law of gravity and survives
being smashed by a 2 ton rock, but can't get past the fact that the
Roadrunner's vocalization is incorrect. 
-You buy 8 kinds of suet but only one kind of breakfast cereal. 
-You have a life list, a county list, and a list of birds you've seen
defecate.