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A few days ago, my neighbor and I had our ski plans postponed due to
an early thunderstorm. With the day off, trapped inside during hours
of rain and hail, I was bored out of my mind. My collection of Family
Guy DVDs have become all too familiar. So, naturally, I wrote my own
episode of Star Trek. I may be the only person in the world
entertained by it, but what the heck.

Captain's Log

Stardate 20070628

We just received a distress signal from planet Snow in the Norse
System. A Federation Starship, The Baker, had been in orbit until its
main reactor overheated. The entire crew had just beamed down to the
planet surface when The Baker exploded. As we arrived in orbit, it
appeared that a major storm covered the entire planet.

<various blips and beeps aboard the Enterprise>

Kirk:  Mr. Spock, what do you make of this?

Spock: It appears to be the beginning of a cataclysmic event, captain.

Kirk: What does that mean, precisely?

Spock : <raises eyebrow> Planet Snow is doomed, captain. Logically,
all life forms on the planet surface are doomed as well. Unless….

Kirk: <raises index finger as he interrupts> Unless! Unless we beam
every life form aboard!

<closeup of Kirk's proud grin>

<macro closeup of Spock's eyebrow, again raised curiously>

<awkward silence>

<the camera slowly zooms back>

Spock: That defies logic, Captain. This is a completely natural event
in the life cycle of a planet. We must not interfere with the fate of
Planet Snow's indigenous life.

Kirk: <looks confused>

Spock: "Indigenous" means that, yes, we can still morally attempt to
rescue The Baker's crew.

Kirk: <opens mouth to say something, then pauses, puzzled>

Spock: We should save them, Captain.

<commercial break>

Captain's Log.

In, order, to….. savethebakerscrew, we, MUST! NOT! BEAMTHEMUP!
The, storm, is, too….intenseforustolockon. However we can lock on to
the highest point on the planet. The peak of a mountain over 10,000
meters high.

<various blips and beeps sound in the background>

Kirk: Gentlemen, our only choice to rescue the crew is to beam down to
the top of the highest mountain, then ski down to them. We'll bring a
homing signal strong enough for Mr. Sulu to lock on to us, and then
beam us all up through the storm.

This will be a very dangerous mission. It is likely that one of us
will die. The landing party will consist of myself, Mr Spock, Dr
McCoy, and Ensign Ricky.

Ensign Ricky: Damn!

<commercial break>

<the landing party materializes on the peak, dressed in their normal
attire, save for skis, poles and boots. They don't even shiver,
despite the lack of gloves, hats and jackets. a bolt of lightning
immediately strikes ensign ricky. he tumbles thousands of feet down
the steep mountainside, over rocks and cliffs before coming to a rest
in a powdery meadow.>

McCoy: <points his scanner down the hill and stares> He's still
showing vital signs!

Kirk: Bones, can you save him?

McCoy: Dammit Jim! I'm a doctor, not a magician!

Kirk: Right. We'll need to get closer for you to help.

<McCoy stares on with contempt, then slyly pulls out a flask and takes
a big gulp>

<another bolt of lightning strikes ensign ricky>

Ensign Ricky: Damn!

McCoy: He's still breathing, Jim. He's alive!

<a yeti comes out of nowhere, lunges toward ricky and starts devouring
his flesh>

McCoy: Ah, nope. No. He's dead.

<screams of bloody murder echo up the mountain side>

<commercial break>

<fade in to seven notes of star trek music>

<a toy model of the enterprise, held in a mysterious hand, does half
an orbit around a soccer ball hanging from a string>

Captain's Log.

The tragedy of Ensign Ricky will never be forgotten. His heroic
actions…. Oh, wait. Did I brush my teeth this morning? Did I leave the
coffee maker on? <kirk whispers>: "can they hear me?"

<spock, one foot from kirk, looks on and again raises an eyebrow>

<mccoy takes another pull from his flask, then wipes his mouth with his sleeve>

Kirk: Kirk to Enterprise. Come in, Enterprise.

<a crackling, leprechaun-like voice answers>

Scotty: Aye, captain. We read you loud an' clear.

Kirk: Scotty, did I leave the coffee maker on?

Scotty: No, captain. What happened to Ricky?

Kirk: Who?

<commercial break>

Kirk: There's no time to lose! We. Must. Descend. Soon!

Spock: We must first examine the snow, Captain.

McCoy: You green-blooded son of a bitch! Those people could be dying
down there! And you want to waste time looking at the snow?!

Kirk: Settle down, Bones. He's right. We. Must. Examine. Thesnow!

McCoy: Why?

Kirk: Because!

Spock: Because, Dr McCoy, this is avalanche terrain. We won't be much
help to the Baker's crew if we get buried before we reach them.

McCoy: <winces> Are you saying that we may have beamed down here only
to beam back because you think it's unsafe?

Spock: Precisely.

McCoy: Then Ensign, uh, ummm… Ricky may have died for no reason!

Spock: Who?

<commercial break>

<various blips and beeps aboard the enterprise>

<closeup of Ohura>

Ohura: No Captain, no further transmissions from the surface. However,
we are still picking up life signs down there.

<cut to Sulu>

<kirk's voice crackles through the speaker>

Sulu: Yes, Captain. Two photon torpedoes aimed exactly 100 meters
below your position. Firing, now.

<two explosions on the mountain, 100 meters below the landing party>

Spock: Whoa! That was AWESOME! <hesitates, gathers himself> I mean to
say, it appears that the snow is stable, Captain.

McCoy: <smirks, takes a big pull from his flask, no longer trying to
hide it> So, you ARE half-human after all. <slurring badly> Those
pointy ears don't fool me!

Kirk: I. Agree. The snow looks fantastic! After me, gentleman.

<Kirk then begins his descent. Legs and feet locked together. As if
using a mono-ski. Total Stein Erickson style, complete with a
gratuitous grin the whole way down. His hair doesn't budge>

<McCoy, completely hammered, follows. Much faster than Kirk, but with
no style at all, feet spread wide, with intermittent crossings of skis
and face plants.>

<Spock, expressionless, skis like Scot Schmidt. Dynamic pedal-hop
turns down 55 degree pitches with powder sloughing all around. Huge,
arcing turns through open bowls. Straightlines over hundred foot
cliffs, backflips, 720s, the works. When he approaches his waiting
partners, he straightlines at them, turns sharply at the last second
and covers them in spraying snow.>

<They all laugh – even Spock, briefly, before returning his face to an
expressionless, Vulcan position>

<commercial break>

<fade in to various blips and beeps aboard the Enterprise>

Sulu: Captain Kirk! Do you read me?

<Kirk's voice crackles over the speaker>

Sulu: Captain! We've just received a transmission from the Federation.
There is no starship named Baker!

<flash to Kirk>

Kirk: Well of course not, Mr Sulu, it's been destroyed!

Sulu: No, Captain. No such ship ever existed. This is all a hoax!

Kirk: A hoax?

Sulu: Yes, Captain. It appears that the indigenous life forms on
Planet Snow faked all of this in hopes of being rescued.

Kirk: <looks over his shoulder and sees a very beautiful, scantily
clad woman approaching> I see…… <salivates>

Sulu: Do you want us to beam you up now, sir?

Kirk: Hold that thought, Sulu, I need to check something out.

Kirk: <addressing the woman> Who are you?

Flower: My name is Flower. How can we possibly thank you for coming to save us?

<McCoy intervenes>

McCoy: One moment, Flower. I just need to have a private word with Jim.

<McCoy pulls Kirk to the side>

McCoy: <in an angry whisper> Jim! We didn't come to save her! It's
against the rules!

Kirk: <wipes McCoy's spit off his face, then whispers> As a starship
captain, I am fully aware of that. However…. She isn't! I'm just going
to let her show some gratitude, and then we'll be on our way.

McCoy: <slowly nods> That's it. Let her go out in style!

<Kirk then approaches Flower, whispers in her ear, and the two of them
walk out of sight, hand in hand.>

<three minutes later, Kirk returns, alone, shirt inside out, zipping
up his pants.>

<Spock raises a curious eyebrow>

Kirk: Sulu, do you read me?

Sulu: Yes, Captain.

Kirk: Prepare to beam us aboard. We are through here.

Sulu: Yes, Captain. Thankfully, no one was hurt.

<Kirk, Spock, and McCoy fade away>

<Star Trek music>

<end credits>

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