Thank God global warming is a hoax

By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist <[log in to unmask]>
SFGate August 18, 2010 04:00 AM Copyright SFGate. All rights reserved. This
material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

I mean, right? You know? Because gosh Jesus in angry apocalyptic heaven,
wouldn't it be just terrible if it were all true?

Wouldn't it be horrible if all this stunning, insanely mounting, irrefutable
evidence -- death, floods, fires, heat waves, the worst this and the most
violent that in 1,000 years -- were some sort of surefire, cumulative sign
that we have, if not directly caused, then wildly accelerated and amplified
the imminent implosion of this planet?

But we didn't! And we haven't! And we aren't! I mean, whew.

I am delighted to remember that hardcore science has lied, misguided,
misnomered and whatever else weird science does to confuse the world about
the real impact humanity has had on global ecosystems. All those thousands
of highly trained scientists educated at the finest universities, learning
the most difficult and fraught information of our age, all in universal
agreement that humankind's actions directly affect climate
and they are all totally full of it because they are clearly in cahoots with
Nazi Liberal Jesus, the solar panel manufacturers and the hippies who want
me to compost my KFC Double Down wrapper.

I am delighted to be reassured by the fringe right wing that the piles of
dead bodies, millions of lost homes, and even the very sun itself are part
of a vast conspiracy, a plot to form an evil one-world
a lefty liberal charade even in places that don't understand or care what
the hell a liberal is. See? Do you understand how powerful the lie? Amazing.

Because otherwise, wow, what sort of hell is this? Pakistan, Russia, China,
Greenland, Niger and on and on it goes. Unprecedented heat waves, scorched
crops, giant icebergs, savage droughts, dire emergencies, thousands dead
here and 10,000 more over there and nothing like these events in the history
of the world, ever.

Even the U.N. secretary-general, Ban Ki-Moon, is in on it, coming back from
Pakistan stunned and shaken by the epic flooding he witnessed there. "The
magnitude of the problem; the world has never seen such a disaster. It's
much beyond anybody's imagination," he
putting out the urgent call for more international aid. I mean, sure global
warming is happening -- even some of the more ignorant climate change
deniers have had to reverse course on that -- but humanity had nothing to do
with it, OK? We don't need to change our behavior one iota. If God wants
another Ice Age or whatever, who are we to argue?

Heathen book-learners and their ridiculous studies, that's who! Scientists
are saying that all these severe weather patterns fit in exactly with what
they've been predicting all along. Not only that, but they say it's
increasingly likely that we've waited too long to change our behaviors, cut
emissions, reduce consumption and other such liberal gibberish, and now it
might be too late to do anything about it. Increasingly extreme, violent
weather will now be the
and the devastation, disease and death will only increase.

Good news! If I blink a few times while clicking the mouse, it all goes
away. Hey look, Lindsay Lohan's mom is all up in it! Snooki is so wasted!
All is as it should be. Thank you, Interweb.

But dammit, their godless eco-agenda just won't stop. 2010, they say, is not
being very nice, is setting all sorts of unpleasant
Already, the most national extreme heat records in a single year (17).
Already, the hottest half-year on record in planetary history. Already, the
five warmest months in tropical Atlantic history, possibly resulting in more
hurricanes. Already, millions of people sensing, deep down, that Something
Is Very Wrong Indeed. Good thing their calmly intuitive souls are full of

I mean, please. Isn't it like this every year? Always with the floods and
fires. Always with the hurricanes, earthquakes and numbing body counts. Is
this year, this decade really that different? I'm sorry, I can't hear you, I
just turned up this Glenn Beck podcast. Here is your big lesson: Do not
listen to people who actually know things. Only listen to people who react,
negatively and whiningly, to people who actually know things. It's the
American way<>.

Have you seen the photos from the Gulf of Mexico, all shiny and clear thanks
to toxic chemical dispersants, the miracle of ocean currents and armies of
PR people who smell like hate? What happened to all the oil? It's all gone,
even though it's really
Absorbed into the planetary bloodstream like magic! Even the president is
there, splashing around in waters that, not a month ago, had hundreds of
million of gallons of crude oil and chemicals floating in it.

Just more proof that God's favorite creatures can cause no lasting harm.
We're innocent as pie. And guns. And Corexit 9500. I'm dumping some used
motor oil into this city sewer right now, in celebration.

I just read the flooding in Pakistan has already caused more devastation
than the 2004 tsunami in Asia, worse than the Haiti earthquake. One quarter
of the country is underwater. They say Pakistan also just broke a record for
the single highest temperature ever recorded on the Asian continent, at 128
other nations also met or broke heat records this year, too). That
record was set in a city. Where people live. But not for very much longer,
because they do not have giant air conditioners and pallets of Fiji water
from Costco like we do, so they probably won't survive.

Yes, it's tragic. It's unprecedented. It's never happened like this before.
Heck, even here in the eco-terrorist homeland of San Francisco, they say the
change in ocean temperatures will soon mean Fog City will be *entirely* fog
bound, edge to edge, nearly year round. But I repeat: It's not our fault.
Seven billion rapacious, industrialized bipeds have the impact of a feather.
All this destruction and death? It's just God's will -- except for those
places that don't believe in a Christian God. Serves them right, doesn't it?

By the way, there's an obvious solution to many of these horrors -- to
the Russian
heat waves <>, the violent
droughts in Niger <>, the dead
bodies floating in Pakistan, the floods in China: Do not go there. Do not go
to these terrible, hot, messy places. It's so easy!

I mean, so what if giant icebergs four times the size of Manhattan are
suddenly breaking off in Greenland? That's happening way, way up there. I'm
overconsuming energy and blocking out inconvenient truths way, way down
here. There is no cause/effect, no connection
never mind that dark, nagging sense of self-wrought doom, deep in my bones.
I know that's just a liberal lie, an implant, completely futile -- just like
those failed climate talks in
and the soon-to-be-failed<>ones
coming up shortly in Mexico. I mean, whew.