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This was sent to another list I receive:
 
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Thu, 30 Nov 1995 08:56:18 -0500
From: Andrew Dolan <[log in to unmask]>
 
  Excerpt from Santa's Corporate Newsletter:
 
  The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take
  the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of
  concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other
  restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
 
  Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North
  Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business.
  Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished
  Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further
  erosion of the profit picture.
 
  The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a
  late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip.  Improved
  productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard
  Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no
  discernible loss of service.  Reduction in reindeer will also lessen
  airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been
  cited and received unfavorable press.
 
  I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be
  disturbed.  Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole.
  Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier
  leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from
  substance abuse.  Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and
  never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made
  by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year
  when he is known to be under executive stress.
 
  As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the
  North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps.
  Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take
  place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
 
  The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to
  be the cash crop forecasted.  It will be replaced by a plastic hanging
  plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
 
  The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost
  effective.  In addition, their romance during working hours could not
  be condoned.  The positions are therefore eliminated.
 
  [The three French hens will remain intact.  After all, everyone loves
  the French.]
 
  The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail
  system, with a call waiting option.  An analysis is underway to
  determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they
  talked.
 
  The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
  Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative
  implications for institutional investors.  Diversification into other
  precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks
  appear to be in order.
 
  The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
  afforded.  It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg
  per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity.  Three
  geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by
  personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets
  will be a good one.
 
  The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better
  times.  The function is primarily decorative.  Mechanical swans are on
  order.  The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes
  and therefore enhance their outplacement.
 
  As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy
  scrutiny by the EEOC.  A male/female balance in the workforce is being
  sought.  The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no
  upward mobility.  Automation of the process may permit the maids to
  try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
 
  Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number.  This function will
  be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the
  steps.
 
  Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill.  The high cost of Lords plus the
  expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation
  Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work
  congressmen.  While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the
  savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed
  congressmen this year.
 
  Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of
  the band getting too big.  A substitution with a string quartet, a
  cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will
  drop right down to the bottom line.
 
  We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl,
  animals and other expenses.  Though incomplete, studies indicate that
  stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient.  If we can drop
  ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
 
  Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
  expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing")
  action is pending.
 
  Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be
  necessary in the future to stay competitive.  Should that happen, the
  Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to
  see if seven dwarfs is the right number.